Get a pet

Actually we don’t have a pet of our own any more now that three cats have died. However our neighbours have five cats, and a dog that thinks it’s a cat. Four of the cats visit often, and one (Mischief) thinks he lives here. We didn’t get a new kitten when Suzy died because Mischief would have been so offended.

Pets help you think of something other than your own problems, and they provide endless humour and love. They say petting an animal is good for stress levels. I believe it.

Get daylight

There is something special about daylight.

If the sun is out, get yourself where it can hit you.

If not, use a light box (though ensure old-style bulbs/tubes are changed often enough).

We built a small porch-conservatory at the front of the house and a garden room cum conservatory at the back. Now we can sit in real daylight most of the year. Christmas Day 2008 when our host was ill and had to cry off feeding us we spent part of the morning in the porch enjoying the sun, which cheered us up no end.

Get out

If you want to stay depressed, stay inside with the same old walls to stare at, the same stale air, the same artificial colours.

When I’m down it’s hard to get myself out of the house, but if I succeed it’s worth it. My mind feels a little brighter, the world begins to ease from shades of grey to colour.

My brain feels hard-wired to thrive on natural colours such as the greens of grass and the blues of sky, and I feel better when I’m out amongst them.

Exercise (gently)

Gentle exercise tends to ease moderate depression. Our bodies work best when we use them but don’t overuse them. Even a five or ten minute walk in the open air can make a big difference. Ideally walk fast enough to make yourself slightly out of breath, and beware of getting too tired.

Develop a toolkit of interests

How I feel and what I’m capable of doing varies not just from season to season but also day to day and hour by hour. For instance I feel less with it in the winter and write best in the morning. When I only had a small number of interests there were frequent periods when none of them fitted my mood and mental state. Now there’s almost always some activity I can at least try to lose myself in.

Build strategies when you’re well

“Go away. I’m far too depressed to think about strategies.”

“I’m feeling great, last thing I want is to plan for next time I’m depressed.”

Been there, said it, not acted when I could.

But sometimes when well I’ve got myself looking for things to do when depressed, and got into them while okay so they’d be easier to start however I feel.

Now I can almost always find something I can handle, and once I’m on it I usually start to feel better - if only a tiny bit better.

Try it next time you feel well. Try something new. Some of what you try you’ll be able to pick up when you’re down, and it’ll help.

See through the lies about money and position

A sixth-former once told me all he wanted to do was make a lot of money. When I commented that money hadn’t made his parents happy he retorted, “Ah, but I’m going to make a lot more than them.” I wonder how he’ll feel when he reaches the top of that ladder and realises it’s leaning against the wrong wall.

Beyond enough to provide the basics, extra money often doesn’t make us happier. Beyond a reasonable degree of luxury we’re likely to be spending too much time and energy looking at how much more other people have.

If we live mainly to grab money how can we ever be content? The same goes for chasing position. Does promotion actually make you happier? Sometimes, and often not. With more money comes more work and more stress, and less of the things which make life really worth living.

And actually contentment exists in enjoying today as it is rather than longing for tomorrow and longing to have even more.

Jenny and I are not rich by Western standards, but we are living in luxury kings of the past could only have dreamt about.

Do your job well because it matters

A while back I read of an interview with a dinner lady at a downtown school in the States. She stated with conviction that she had the most important job in the world; for many of her kids she was providing the only proper meal they’d get that day.

Everyone has an important role in life. If you focus on how much money you’re paid or how high up the ladder you’ve climbed you risk missing what it’s all about. What are you really doing in your work?

If you’re just there to make money then don’t be surprised if it’s often tiring and tedious and stressful, and expect to hate Mondays. On the other hand you could aim to do the job really well because it matters, and because in some way it helps other people.

I could have made more money in a career other than teaching, and I could have taught for the salary alone, but it was so much more satisfying teaching people because they mattered to me, and some of whom I could help grow into the people they wanted to be.

Have a small group of real friends

How many friends do you have?

If the answer’s more than five or six, I wonder how many of them are what I’d call ‘real friends’. That is, friends as opposed to acquaintances.

When Jenny (my amazing wife) has been in hospital with depression I have usually also been depressed, though not as severely and not in the same way. Friends have helped me without hesitation and without complaint.

Peter Jolly has helped me through the one period when I was suicidal. He has helped me deal with intransigent experts when Jenny was suicidal and being denied the help she needed.

Clive and Carolyn Fraser have had me round for a meal at least once a week despite my being poor company, and that has meant a great deal to me.

Judy Watson is always there for Jenny and me.

If something major destroys aspects of your life, friends are still there. One of them is sitting in their car outside your house when you’re home crying after the funeral. Another is gently offering to just call round, make some tea and listen. Meanwhile acquaintances are too busy, or have rapidly distanced themselves.

Take the time to build deep friendships.

Acquaintances are great, but friends are for life.

Live each moment as it happens

Some people live in the past: “If only I’d taken that job”, “Why didn’t I work harder at school”, “Maybe if I hadn’t lost my temper that day”.

Some people live in the future: “Once I leave home”, “When I get promoted”, “In retirement I’ll have the time”.

Actually this universe is rigged so we exist in the present. There’s no reason why you should allow the past to destroy your enjoyment of what you’re doing right now.

If all you think about is where you’re going aren’t you wasting the many pleasures of the journey? And delaying fulfilment until something extra is available will make you less happy with now.

We’re alive in this instant, and we can choose what we notice and how we react to it. Let’s make something of now.

Sometimes just do it

Will I have the energy?

What if I can’t cope with normal conversation and people think I’m weird or a bore?

I daren’t plan that far ahead because I may be really ill again by then.

Sometimes just go for it!

Something may go wrong but something could go right, and that potential benefit surely outweighs any possible problems. After all, when we’re depressed every unwanted outcome feels black and desperate, but that’s just the illness speaking.

If we run out of energy then no problem: come home early.

If all we can do when we get there is put on a false smile and nod occasionally then, well, people will think us great conversationalists.

Sometimes Jenny and I book theatre tickets well in advance. If we’re too ill to go all we’ve lost is a small amount of money - and actually we almost always can go and once there we thoroughly enjoy it. Mind you sometimes I’m too scared of being ill and we miss out on a great play.

Accept genuine limitations

Everyone is disabled in some ways but some disabilities are more obvious than others. Each disability brings with it two types of limitation:

There are some things it makes impossible to do; for instance if you’ve had a leg amputated you cannot win the Olympic marathon.

Then there are the many things it just makes harder to do. With only one leg you could still go for wheelchair racing. It’s not the same as running, but it is available. Travelling by bus may be very hard, especially at first, but is possible.

I suffer from chronic depression. I do know that after my first breakdown, aged 21, I could no longer do Maths at the level I had a few months earlier. It took me a long time to accept it, but there are roles within a school that you’re not going to get if you need time off every now and then with depression.

I sometimes feel helpless and crippled, but in reality I can have a go at almost everything else. Some things are much harder, but they are possible.

The two things I’ve had to learn were a) what can I genuinely not do, and b) it is good to work at anything else I want to do.

If you suffer depression don’t let the illness con you into accepting false limitations. Some of the greatest success stories in history were people who overcame some kind of major disability.

Go for it.

Laugh and smile whatever

Little research has been done on this, but how you position your body is likely to affect how you feel. When I’m down my posture and the expression on my face usually change. I find it hard to smile. If I’m not too depressed and I coax myself into smiling when I meet people then I do experience some improvement in how I feel. Not only that but people usually smile back, which also tends to make me feel good by reaffirming how many nice people there are out there.

Laughter also helps. If I’m feeling rough and I watch a comedy on TV then it makes a difference if I let myself go and really laugh at the daft bits. I not only enjoy the programme more, but I feel better for at least several hours afterwards. I’ve read somewhere that laughter releases a good chemical into the bloodstream. Sorry. Can’t remember the details.

Depression’s a physical illness

Clinical depression is just something wrong with your body which affects your mind, just like a cold or a broken leg. It can be a lot harder to treat than other common illnesses, and it has had a bad press, but there’s nothing immoral or weird about suffering from depression.

Some people have an odd attitude to mental illness, but don’t let them get you down. They’re the ones who are ignorant. Accept yourself as you are and allow yourself to get on with life in your own way; and let the weirdos get on with life in theirs.

Find the right counsellor

Counsellors are like teachers. One may be right for you, another not. Even a very good teacher will sometimes meet a student who would be better off with someone else.

But don’t give up on a counsellor too quickly. It can take time to create the right relationship, and some people take longer than others no matter they will be very good once they’ve got going. Also do not assume you have to like your counsellor (although it’s nice if you do). Some forms of psychotherapy require a skilled practitioner, and a willingness on your part to work hard with the other person. To be effective the sessions may need to be uncomfortable or even unpleasant.

Find the right counselling

There are several types of counselling, and many sub-types. They work in different ways although frankly we don’t really understand what’s going on with any of them. Some have limitations with some types of people. All are limited in what they can achieve on their own.

Sometime soon I’ll be doing a series of posts on my blog about this, but for now you might wish to investigated the following:

+ person-centred counselling

+ cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)

+ psychodynamic counselling

+ transactional analysis

+ hypnotherapy

+ neurolinguistic programming (NLP)

There may be others distinctive from these which I’m not familiar with.

Take some responsibility

If I’m ill the main person responsible for dealing with it is me. If anyone else helps that’s a bonus. If I live in country with a good health service which helps me that’s incredible. But the bottom line is that I am my own responsibility.

If my Doctor tells me I need to stop drinking alcohol, his reasoning is sensible, but I carry on anyway then I’m taking taking my share of responsibility. If I know going out for a wal would make me feel better then I should normally take responsibility and get myself out on that walk.

It’s easy when depressed to just flop and expect ‘them’ to sort everything out. I know, I’ve done it.

On the other hand it’s important to get a balance here. Sometimes it’s much harder to do anything myself, and that’s okay provided I sometimes do. The target is to increase how often I succeed in doing something, however little, to help myself.

Monitor what you say to yourself

When you’re down do you say things to yourself like:

I’ve always been depressed.

I’m never going to recover.

I’m a total failure.

I’m a bad person. No one could possibly like me.

These are all, of course, lies.

Sometimes we beat ourselves with criticisms someone used to say to us when we were young. If they were unable to be encouraging that must have been tough for them, but no reason for us to suffer now.

Often we use extreme generalisations such as always and never and total. This is the depression talking. If you catch yourself saying this sort of stuff: backtrack, notice how inaccurate it is, and rephrase the statement so it’s true and if possible encouraging. Here’s how the statements above might be amended:

- I’ve felt depressed for months, but I’ve had many good times.

- Recovery is slow but one day I will feel better.

- I’ve had failures and I’ve had successes. When I feel better I’ll be able to do more successes.

- At the moment the bad bits of me feel overwhelming, but I have friends who also see the good.

There’s a post on my blog here which goes into this in a bit more detail. A cognitive behavioural therapist could also help.

Be truthful with yourself

Many people think of mental illness as something to be ashamed of, which is odd. We’re not ashamed if we catch a cold or are diagnosed with cancer.

Depression is just an illness. It’s not our fault. But pretending we’re fine when actually we’re lashing out at those nearest to us is our fault. Refusing to seek help is our fault.

If the problem is depression an essential first step is to recognise the situation, accept it as an illness, and seek out professional help.

What’s the alternative? Probably hurting everyone close to you by blaming them, and probably a much tougher time for you. Maybe a destroyed career, a broken marriage, estranged children.

We need to be honest with ourselves in order to make progress, and in order to learn from bad experiences as well as good.

I put this heading in as a reminder months ago. It feels like there was something else I wanted to say, but I’ve temporarily lost it. When I remember I’ll add it.

Sorry, that’s the way my mind works. Think that’s bad you should see my study :)

Honest enough?

Good days, bad days

Some days are better than other days.

Some days it’s harder to carry on as normal.

This is true for everyone. It’s true for Barack Obama, Paul McCartney (and Linda when she was alive), Joanne Harris, Stephen Hawking, even Stephen Fry.

Now here’s the trick: just get on with life as if it were a good day. Get up, get showered and dressed, get out, get going. If you suffer serious depression then this will some days be very hard, and to be honest some days impossible. But in my experience the worst days are those when I give in to how I feel and spend the day passively feeling depressed, and soon probably dwelling on how bad I feel. That makes me feel so much worse and yet it is so tempting.

Enjoy the good days. Value every second as it happens. On bad days just keep going and you may well be surprised at the end to find it was worth it.

Check for a reason

 

Flow with care

 

Alcohol and depression

 

Shopping and depression

 

Build a routine of sorts

 

Care for others

 

Do things in bits starting with START

 

Repetitive can be good

 

Be aware: depression is addictive

 

The past is done so work on how you respond to it

 

You can’t change anyone else

 

You can do more than you think

 

Recognise when to rest

 

Have something you must get up for

 

Find something you can do well

 

Say “I’m good, how are you?” and then listen

 

Take an interest, be inquisitive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

coping with depression

There are different forms of depression and people are affected in different ways.

The same medication doesn’t work for everybody. Often professional experimentation is needed.

However there is a range of strategies that are worth trying.

Here is what has worked, at least to some extent, for me:

Nigel has started a blog which includes a major section on depression and mental illness. Have a look. Leave a comment. Let him know what you’d like to read about.