Nigel 
June 30th,2009I hope most people who read this will not have experienced real depression (as opposed to feeling down for a while). These thoughts are mainly for you.
It’s really nice to have friends who care and want to help,but it’s tough not understanding from your own experience how I’m feeling. (Most consultant psychiatrists come into this category,bless them 
).
Thank you so much for trying to help. I hope you won’t be offended if I suggest a few things to avoid. I’ll use a numbered list to simplify commenting:
Please don’t talk non-stop,and please don’t feel embarassed by long silences. It does help to know you’re there,but I confess I have on occasion wanted to shout at someone,“Please please please just SHUT UP!”. A depressed person can find it very hard to follow what’s being said. This can make us feel guilty that we’re bad company. We also want to be able to sink a bit into ourselves after a short while because listening is tiring. If you’re visiting then just listening to some music together or going for a quiet walk can be incredibly supportive.
- Tricky one this,but please know when to stop pushing us. Yes it probbly would do us good to go for a short walk,but some days we really can’t face it. Of course other days all we need is some gentle and sensitive encouragement to get past the inertia we feel about doing anything. Not asking much of you there eh?
- Jenny my wife encounters this one when she is suffering a spell of insomnia: some people tell her things like,“Oh yes,I had insomnia myself a few years ago.”I’m sorry but that does not mean you know what she is experiencing. For most people insomnia is a few bad nights. For Jenny it can be several years of never getting more than one or two hours a night’s sleep,and feeling like a zombie. Some medics have told her they understand because during training they experienced months of limited and disrupted sleep –in the old days they could be on call for over a hundred hours a week. Being deprived of sleep is not the same as insomnia because you know that once you have the opportunity you’ll sleep just fine. Try to imagine not knowing if you’ll ever be able to sleep normally again,and then admit you cannot really understand the terror.
- Finally,please don’t try to push some new cure on us. By all means mention it,but please also listen. Someone asked once if I’d tried using a light box. I hadn’t,so the suggestion was helpful –especially because they went away and found me contact details. I bought one and tried it and it helps,but for some people it does not help. Please don’t nag them. Please don’t tell them they must be using it wrong. Overall,please don’t make them feel even more guilty or stupid than they already do.
Thank you for putting up with us when we’re down! If you get any of the above wrong don’t worry. I’ve written it because you are friends,and I know you’d love to be of more help. Just having you there is great even when you overdo it. Thank you.
