Nigel 
July 20th,2009
What's happening to me? Where am I? Who am I?
When a friend was at university the mood swings he’d been having for some years became worse. When I met him he was clearly very depressed and had been for months. Yes he had been to see the doctor,and he’d been told it wasn’t real depression because people his age didn’t get clinically depressed;he’d received no help.
I passed this information on to my own consultant who at the time was a very senior member of the Royal College of Psychiatry. He was astonished and explained that if any kind of major mental illness is going to surface,then if you go to university that is the most likely time. You’re 18,may be away from home for the longest time ever,in a strange environment,trying to learn new social skills,getting started on a major academic course,and at that age very much still trying to sort out who you are. I had my first breakdown early in my third year of doing a Maths degree.
Actually I’d been noticing weird changes in my mood since I was 15. We had exams each summer at my school,but this was the first time since puberty we’d had external exams to tackle. In those days they were called O-levels (O for Ordinary as opposed to A for Advanced. Nowadays in England they’re called GCSEs). I was bright,typically third in my year at a good grammar school. I was very late maturing in many ways and showed some of the characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome,but I did understand these exams were the most important so far.
I have no recollection of my state of mind that year,although I do remember finding our History teacher incredibly boring (and you avoided asking him questions at the end unless you could stand well away –his breath was foul poor chap). I do remember finding the work quite hard,and when the results arrived they were astonishingly weak. I had passed in every subject,but only just. What had gone wrong?
Even in those days I had plenty of interests,and most involved mixing with other people. I was an enthusiastic Scout,and also a competitive runner belonging to a local club. I did not feel lonely. Except that one day I found myself staring listlessly out of my bedroom window unable to get on with anything and aware of the family next door having a good time in their garden. I felt sad. I felt jealous that the kids next door had people to have fun with whereas I had no friends and was completely alone. You’ll note my thoughts were untrue,but I believed them. I started to believe this was me,someone incapable of finding anything I could cope with doing,someone with no friends who would always be lonely and unhappy.
A few years later when a variety of stress factors came together at once and I could no longer attend lectures I just did not know what was happening. I’d never felt like this before,and it seemed I’d never be normal again. I couldn’t even go running because I didn’t have the energy –though I tried and probably made myself more depressed in the process.
I spent the rest of that term trying to stay afloat,just treading water with the occasional frantic burst of trying to sort myself out. When I got home for Christmas I thought my troubles were over,but now I found I couldn’t relate to my parents. I couldn’t cope with life,thought maybe I was suicidal,and had no one to talk to. Moods came and went and I was thoroughly confused and frightened.
If you’re going through something like that then in one sense it’s okay,there are many of us who understand how you feel because we’ve been there. Seek medical help. Seek out friends you can talk to. You will get through it. With any luck it vwill never happen again,but if it does then be confident there are many people who can help you. Hopefully something in this blog,past or to come,will give guidance you can apply to yourself. I hope so. A lot of people helped me to learn how to live with depression. There are many there for you.
