Nigel 
August 21st,2009
Some people are chatting
Some people are chatting. As you approach them you feel painfully self-conscious because they’re in a group and you’re on your own. You make a show of looking at your watch,and then speed up as if late for an appointment. Somehow walking faster feels better.
As you’re passing they burst into laughter.
You know they’re laughing at you. You couldn’t make the words out but someone will have said,“There goes that pathetic <your name>.”
You know this is what’s happening because,well,they’re right. You’re pathetic.
But exactly does ‘pathetic’mean?
Wiktionary gives the relevant meaning of ‘pathetic’as ‘arousing scornful pity or contempt,often due to miserable inadequacy’. Yep. That’s the one.
So in what ways are you inadequate?
No,hang on,what I mean to ask is in what ways have you been adequate?
Ah,you say,I used to be able to do some things okay,but not any more. Now I’m useless,and I fail at everything I try.
Now is a good time to try some ways of moving on. I’ve been there. Here are some ideas from CBT I’ve found helpful over the decades:
I used to be able to –I used to say this to myself a lot,but it’s damaging. What logical reasons are there for assuming you’ll never be able to again? If you can no longer run a four minute mile because you lost both legs in a car crash,fair enough; maybe you should be reviewing things you used to be able to do which don’t require legs,or maybe you could modify your ambitions (your body and mind are probably going to be just as good at wheelchair racing,and there are gold medals in that too).
Actually we’re changing all the time:up,down,forwards,back. If we used to be able to do something and just being older isn’t an obstacle then we’ll probably be able to do it again some time. If we want to.
I fail at everything- gosh yes I used to make these gross generalisations. They’re usually not true (almost said never true lol). If someone tells me I’m ‘always’criticising them I know it feels like that to them at times,but I hope it’s not literally true.
No one fails at everything. One day when you don’t feel as bad as today make a list of ten things you have succeeded at. Keep the list for next time you’re down. Remind yourself it’s a genuine list,and it’s just the depression lying to you when you find the list hard to believe.
Ah –ah but feeling down is tricking you into looking for arguments to justify how you feel. Stop. Look for arguments to convince yourself instead that how you feel is only temporary. My experience is that depression is addictive. But. Only if I let it be. Not an easy battle,but possible.
Now I’m useless –sorry but I’ve yet to meet a useless person. When Auntie Betty was in her 90s and finally had to transfer to a care home she often felt useless. She had it physically tough the last two years,but was an inspiration to us. I was often depressed when we were there and yet she had so much life in her aged mind that I was shamed into getting on with my life. She taught us much about love,and patience,and caring about others no matter what state you’re in. Also taught us how to moan about care home staff,but that’s another story.
Oh yes,and that walking past a group when you feel self-conscious:when I’ve been intermediate (not too low and not okay) I’ve experimented quite usefully with stuff like a) slow your breathing down and breath a little more deeply,b) look in their direction and smile,c) scan group casually to see if you know anyone,d) if you do say ‘Hi Linda’or whatever and maybe give a wave as you pass,e) if someone in the group looks directly at you make eye contact just long enough to be noticed but not be threatening. No,it didn’t always work for me either,but over a period of years it helped me feel more confident.
And when you can observe people walking towards you. It’s amazing how many will show signs of self-consciousness such as glancing at their watch,looking with great interest out of the window,or suddenly starting an intense discussion with the person next to them. We’re all human. And that generalisation is one of the few okay ones 
