Nigel 
August 31st,2009
What do you mean I'm not perfect!
How do you react when someone criticises how you do something?
With me it depends where I am,how tired,and how busy;but the default,which I have to fight all the time,is to tune out the meaning and intention of what is said,feel annoyed,and change nothing.
I don’t spend much time reading blogs. It’s part of me. I prefer printed stuff. But I do have a list of blogs I’m trying to get into. Most of them sit in my Bloglines/Feeds column waiting to be tasted. Yes,that is ‘tasted’with an ‘a’. Finally I’ve got round to sampling the flavour of something called Seth’s Blog. He’s writing about marketing but that’s really about people alone and in groups so I’m finding a lot of interesting thoughts there which apply generally. Here’s one. He called it ‘The Scientific Method’,but that’s another story.
We naturally like to think we’re doing things well,or at the very worst okay. Having someone point out how we might be able to improve can hurt. Especially if they come across a bit aggressive. Notice I’m saying we may think they’re being aggressive when in fact they’re trying to help us in a friendly way.
The trouble is that if we don’t listen to all criticism however unpleasantly expressed we stand to miss out. We’ll lose chances to make what we do even better. It’s so easy to carry on doing everything the way we always have,but ultimately it’s unhelpful and unsatisfying. Life is in part about moving on,changing,developing,maturing. Sometimes we can see where to go next for ourselves,but often outsiders have great insights. We just need to think calmly through what they have said.
Mind you when I’m depressed it’s much harder to listen. Not only can I not think as clearly,but I’m far more sensitive to destructive criticism. And far more likely to think someone is being destructive when they’re not. Sometimes it is weeks or months later,when I feel better,that constructive comments come back to me and I can process them and maybe find something worth acting on.
Follow-on thought 1
If there are ways you think I could improve this blog but you’re not telling me in case you offend me,please just tell me. Ultimately I’d rather have the advice and risk sometimes feeling offended for a while 
Follow-on thought 2
With someone who is depressed be gentle and look for signs you might have picked the wrong time or wrong way to try to be helpful. Jenny (my wife) has suffered chronic insomnia on and off for many many years. Most people have had the odd bad night. Most people have come across good ideas for how to deal with this. The trouble is that Jenny has almost certainly heard before what you think she needs to know. She’s found out more about it than you. She’ll have tried it at least once and it made no difference. If you keep trying to make her listen to your suggestion you’re actually making her feel a failure for not being able to apply it effectively –or you’ll make her angry (which is kind of an alternative to letting your haranguing make her more depressed). Actually most people are good at just mentioning something and then only proceeding with ‘permission’. And Jenny is sleeping well at the moment,which is fantastic.
