Nigel 
September 14th, 2009
I used to enjoy playing the drums but now I can't even pick up the drum sticks
Some year’s back a student came to see me in quite a state. He was sixteen and a few weeks away from taking the most important exams in his life so far (GCSEs).
“I don’t know what’s happening to me. I need to revise but I can’t open the books. I sit on my bed and stare at my drum kit. I know I used to really enjoy playing it. I know it used to cheer me up. But I can’t even pick up the drum sticks. I just sit there for a long time staring at them.”
Let’s just take a look at his situation and how he described it.
Firstly: at sixteen he was a prime candidate for teenage depression.
Secondly: he was at a high-stress time, and that also makes depression more likely.
Okay, so it makes sense he could become depressed. Now how does he describe life?
He spends a lot of time doing nothing. He knows what he should do (revise a bit) and would like to do (play the drums) but can’t get himself doing them.
Many people feel like that sometimes and it can be alarming. You feel powerless. You feel as if your personality’s been stolen, probably forever. Who are you? Are you kidding yourself that yesterday you could do these things?
When I’ve had flu there’s been no option but to take paracetomol, lie down and wait. Some days later I can get up and start doing things, but it hurts. One day I’m well enough to return to work. Once there I’ll feel like death warmed up but also know I am recovering and the weakness will go.
Depression can be like that. Sometimes you just have to pause and wait. It will ease up, although if it’s serious then medication may be needed to kick-start the recovery. After a while it’s possible to do bits and pieces, but your head keeps telling you not to. If you can’t return to a completely normal life at once then don’t do anything; except our bodies and minds don’t work like that. Once a little strength returns we need to use it. If we do we recover faster and become stronger.
There are periods when I can cope with little beyond sleeping (a lot), eating, and playing a computer game to pass time till I next sleep. This is not a life but it is sometimes necessary, and it works. It’s like the not-able-to-get-out-of-bed phase of flu. Accept it. Be patient. Things do improve.
Then again there are days I wake up, get up, have breakfast, skim e-mail, check out Amazon’s latest recommendations, and feel incapable of doing anything significant. It’s like I’m that student sitting on his bed staring at his drum kit unable to pick up the sticks, Maybe I’m so depressed that nothing I try to do will work, but maybe not. I’ve learned that it is almost always worth ‘picking up the drum sticks’. That on it’s own is easy, and it’s a start. Then I could thump the odd drum or cymbal. That’s easy too, because I’m not trying to actually perform, just to make a sound. Maybe that will lead to something slightly nearer music.
Actually I don’t drum. In my case I open a word processor and type something. Maybe I’ll read what got done yesterday and think yes, actually that’s not bad. Not great but not bad. Then I’ll come up with just one sentence and type it in. Doesn’t matter if it fits. Doesn’t matter about spelling or grammar or saying anything good. Just get the words down. If I don’t like it tomorrow it’ll be easy to change.
The odd thing is that although each step is trivial, insignificant, easy, nine time out of ten I will then have an idea for a second sentence. That’s how our minds work.
So have a list of dead easy things to do when you’ve been down. Instead of getting dressed and going for a walk just go to the bathroom and put paste on the toothbrush. Instead of preparing breakfast just put the kettle on.
Everything worthwhile that we do starts with something really simple. In effect it starts with beginning to turn from a destructive pattern to a useful one by making one tiny change.
How do we achieve significant things? We just start, and then if we still have strength we do a little more. The chances are the more we do the easier it will get.
You may not be able to chill the world with your achievements today, but you can start something. The trick is to make that start. Open the address book to details of that person you ought to phone. Put some clothes out in case. Lay out revision books ready for someone else. Pick up the drum sticks.
Just start.