If you could return through life and change one thing,what would it be?

Have you ever wished you could do just that? If you suffer depression then you probably have. In fact it’s something you may have brooded over often.

You know how it goes:If only my parents had treated me differently. If only I hadn’t been bullied at school. If only….

My parents had their problems. They separated several times. My sister and I were both taken into council care at different times. All of that was outside my control at the time,and I wouldn’t change it now. You can come to terms with such things. They can strengthen you. Why would I change having human parents with their own frailties? They did their best.

How about the crippling disability of being born prone to chronic depression? Now there’s something worth getting rid of,surely. Except that fighting my way through long episodes of depression is part of what makes me who I am,and I don’t want to change that. Also,everyone is disabled in some way. Mostly the disability is not obvious,but it’s always there. I’d rather have depression than schizophrenia,or blindness,or the common disease of being almost totally self-absorbed so that other people are merely tools to use in furthering my pathetic ambitions. A while back I was chatting with friend Adam Warner comparing our two disabilities. I said I’d rather have depression like me than cerebral palsy like him. “So would I!”he said.

Happiness is not about reaching some perfect state. It’s about accepting where we are. It’s about valuing every fleeting moment of beauty and companionship. Victor Frankl describes digging ditches in frozen soil as a concentration camp prisoner. They were weak with hunger and cold. Their ill-fitting shoes were frozen to their feet. They were in fact being tortured,but there was nothing the guards could do to prevent them enjoying the beauty of a sunset.

What would I go back and change? I’d stick with the career as a teacher. I’d keep Jenny as my wife,no question. There are some tiny things it would be nice to change,maybe,but the big thing I’d change is something I had within my control at the time despite both me and Jenny being very ill for many years. I would be more available to our children. I’d spend more time with them,and make it more when they wanted. I’d take more interest in what was happening in their lives,what problems and joys they faced. But the thing is,I didn’t. I was as human as any other parent. Maybe I did my best. Changing it is an interesting thought,but not worth dwelling on.

Okay,gotta go. It’s time to get on with today.

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