Nigel 
October 5th,2009
I've had a good day but tonight I may end it
(Friends please start at the end.)
There are times when I wish I was dead.
Life just seems to be so hard I wish I didn’t have to carry on. Death feels attractive.
What I am not considering though is actually killing myself.
I did once. It was the summer U2 came to Leeds with their Pop tour. Good concert –the music was much better live than on the album,but that’s often true with U2. Like Kaiser Chiefs they’re a live band. I was beginning to get somewhere with how I felt,thanks to a lot of help from Jenny,and our sons,and an incredible guy called Pete Jolly. A month earlier I’d been sitting in my tent at the school Scout camp. The day had been good,instructing climbing down on Shepherd’s Crag. Now I was staring at a bottle of tranquillisers thinking I really really wanted to take the lot. It got worse before it got better.
Would I have gone ahead with a suicide attempt without all the support? I have no idea. Since then I’ve worked with a number of school students who seemed quite serious about topping themselves. Might they have done? I don’t know. You see it’s not that simple.
I’m going to have to oversimplify here,and I need to warn you I’m not a qualified psychologist. I have experiences and I have read a certain amount on the topic. But there is much I don’t know. Actually that last is true of qualified psychologists. There’s much we don’t know about human minds. Minds are complex organisms,and can be unpredictable. If you are feeling suicidal then please talk to someone. If your friend is feeling suicidal please do your best to get them to contact a medical doctor.
I’ve come across three basic types of feeling suicidal. Beware. They blur into each other.
There is the person who wants to get attention. One version I’ve come across is the person who texts a friend giving their location and saying they’re going to kill themselves. This usually gets a quick response with several friends arriving fast. It works. It gets attention. But it is a stupid short-term fix. After a while friends suss out what is happening and take the messages less seriously. Maybe one day you’re seriously down and can feel the push towards suicide getting stronger and stronger. You’re terrified you’ll give in. You contact friends. No one responds. Heard of Peter and the wolf?
Now for where this blurs into the next basic type. Depression can feel so bad,make you feel so desperate,that you’ll do almost anything to shake people up and get them taking you seriously. This can include doing an attempted suicide with little real intent to actually die –though part of you may be serious,which increases the danger. This can work in either of two ways. It can succeed in getting needed medical help fast. It can also succeed in either causing permanent physical damage or death. Not good. Given the risk involved in this approach it’s very much worth looking for safer alternatives even though they may be slower.
Then there is the person who toys with the idea of suicide. That was probably me. When I got home I gave the bottle of tranquilisers to our friends next door for safe keeping. Just in case. I kept enough to last a week. They knew the maximum number I should take in a week. This worked. But some people toy with slitting their wrists or hanging themselves. They may cut the skin at their wrists repeatedly without (they hope) ever going deep enough to rupture an artery. They may make a noose,attach it,stand on a chair with their neck in the noose,try putting pressure on. They may make a mistake,slip,apply enough pressure to accidently cause unconsciousness. I can understand people touching the idea of suicide in this way. I would strongly advise against it. If life is so bad you’re risking death in order to try to cope then contact a medical doctor as soon as possible. You need to be able to see there is a way out.
That blurs into the final type.
Some people are genuinely determined to actually kill themselves. They may delay doing it for days or weeks,and they may appear normal and happy to those around them,but inside they may only be able to keep going like that because they know they’ll soon be able to stop pushing themselves. They may have become psychotic and believe that for some reason that doesn’t make sense to the rest of us they have to kill themselves. They may have planned the method in detail,gathered everything they need,and set the exact time. Does it need to be said? This is very dangerous. And it may be the hardest to detect. If you feel like this then please tell someone. You may have something extra in your mental anguish which is separating you from reality,twisting the way you think. This is temporary. There is help available. Why not try the help and see if you can feel differently. You clearly have not always felt like this. You can feel better once more. Tell someone how you feel. Check out with someone whether or not you just have a temporary madness.
Final thoughts
Is feeling suicidal dangerous? Yes. Should it be taken seriously? Yes. What can you do? Talk to someone. Tell them exactly how you feel and what you’re thinking of doing about it. Make contact with a local medic (in the UK ring your GP). There is other contact information below.
If your friend tells you they’re feeling suicidal then I’d recommend taking them seriously. Enter to some extent into their world by listening carefully. Ask questions if there’s anything you don’t understand. Try not to pass any kind of judgement. Aim to show them that you accept them just as they are,that you care,that you are really trying to understand. Spend time with them,and be sensitive about how much you say. They may need company but not conversation. There’s a post here that explains this a bit more.
Should you get help? Hard one that. First make sure you’ve understood as much as possible. While you’re there they’ll be coping better. Make sure they know you have genuinely understood at least some of what they are feeling. Then do your best to persuade them to let you involve someone with more expertise. You could suggest you make the contact for them and seek the advice without giving their name. You could help them use one of the contact links below.
If they refuse to allow anyone else to be consulted you have the agonising decision to make. Are they at risk of actually killing themselves? If the answer is ‘yes’then in my view you have no choice. More likely the answer will be ‘perhaps’. If they have taken thinking about suicide as far as making detailed plans then they need medical help. If they haven’t,do they have the means to kill themselves readily available? Ultimately you must weigh the risk to their life against the possible loss of a friendship. If you’re a real friend….
Sorry,I can’t make the decision for you. I have been in this situation a number of times. I have read up on it. I am no expert. You have to decide. But if they’re in any sense serious about suicide as an option and there is no logical reason (such as an incurable illness causing great pain despite medical intervention) they need expert help.
Some contact information
At the moment this information applies to England,and probably the rest of the UK. We will add to it.
If you live elsewhere and can provide contact suggestions for your country,or if you have contacts worth adding to this list,then please let us know. You can e-mail me or add a comment to this post.
United Kingdom
Contact NHS direct: http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/ or 0845 4647
The Samaritans:http://www.samaritans.org/ or 08457 90 90 90
Childline:http://www.childline.org.uk/Pages/Home.aspx or 0800 11 11
Note to friends
It’s okay,I’m not feeling suicidal at the moment,and for me it’s both rare and unlikely to be dangerous. Right,now you can read the post.
