Nigel 
April 5th,2010
There’s a well-known saying about how to help people in poor countries:give a man a fish and you feed him for today,give him a fishing rod and he’s set for life.
Of course if he’s too weak with hunger to fish for himself then a fish to eat first makes sense,but after that it’s wise to show him how you use the fishing rod to catch more fish,and then give him the rod.
In the previous post I described how I was helped after my first breakdown. I was referred to a doctor who specialised in student mental health problems. He first of all established a suitable relationship. Then he prescribed something to help with the immediate symptoms. After that he told me to try one possible strategy which should help,and it did. Since then I’ve been learning how to resolve many subsequent problems,and sometimes I’ve had guidance from counsellors –some of them doctors –on how to set about doing this.
The long-term target has been that I become someone who knows how to set about solving his own problems.
Arguably this should be a part of any type of counselling. It may not be an obvious part;if it’s there it may be hidden. Sometimes I’ve only realised afterwards that I’ve learned something by simply paying attention,observing the counsellor at work. This facet of their work might have been more effective if it had been conscious.
Everyone has problems;they’re a part of life. We start by passively letting someone else solve each problem for us. As we grow up we begin to understand how they have helped us. We begin to listen and to try things out for ourselves. Gradually we develop a stock of possible strategies to look through and experiment with. At this point we’re still immature. We need to learn how to deal with a fresh problem for which we currently have no solution:we need to learn how to solve problems ourselves. We need to move from being entirely dependent on other people like a baby to being independent.
Warning:independence is not the final goal. Adolescence is about becoming independent of our parents,finding out who we are. Full maturity requires us to move even further and to recognise the need to be interdependent,a member of society who helps and is helped by other people,a member of the family.
If you suffer the crippling effects of depression,or are human in any other way and face problems which appear insoluble,look for people who can help you. But don’t be passive. Do not look just for help with the most obvious current problem. Look beyond today and find out more about how you may be able to help yourself. Gradually begin to accept some responsibility for your own treatment. And if you are receiving counselling from someone who wants to do it all for you …
