Nigel 
April 10th,2010
I guess I lived through unpleasant times as a child. Of course growing up has its traumas for everyone,they’re part of the process. But for some people there’s more. As childhoods go mine was probably somewhere in the middle. Dad suffered chronic depression like me,and Mum never understood him. When his depression had been acute for a while they would separate,and Dad would do all sorts of strange things which could be frightening. He did not cope well with depression,and very little was known about the problem even then. Available medication was rife with side effects he couldn’t handle,so he’d stop taking it.
Yes,I was traumatised for many years. The abuse was merely emotional,but it hurt. Like it or not memories of those days dogged me for years. They simmered just below the surface and distorted my thinking and my behaviour. They made it far harder to learn how to cope with my own depression. They made it less likely I’d make a good parent myself.
I was exceedingly fortunate. Over the years I made a number of friends who listened attentively as I rambled on about how bad things had been. Some experiences I recounted again and again. Gradually I got used to them and they lost their power.
We all have painful memories. By and large they can be left alone because we’ve grown beyond them,but sometimes there’s one worth dealing with because it’s having a damaging effect now. In a previous post I described some NLP work I did with a student which enabled him to recreate an alternate version of a true memory. In the alternate version he handled an embarrassing situation as he would now with his increased maturity and understanding. If the bad memory surfaces he has the option of switching to the modified version. Which version is true? In a sense neither. The actual events happened,but they do not describe who he is now. He is able to relax and shrug off the embarrassment because he knows he has now used that experience,he has grown up.
Some memories are like feuds between families or nations. What triggered things happened long ago and we should move on,but somehow we can’t. Someone,perhaps a parent,treated us in some unfair way which has crippled us,and we continue to resent what they did and suffer the after effects. This is frighteningly normal,but hardly rational and certainly not helpful.
The trouble is that we may need more than friends loving enough to listen to our memories. We may need the skills and expertise of a counsellor trained and experienced in working with destructive memories.
Psychodynamic counselling does far more than just deal with memories,but it is one approach that might prove useful. I suspect Post-Trauma counselling could also be useful,though I’ve not experienced that kind. A competent NLP practitioner should also be able to help.
A triplet of warnings:
- You need to let go of destructive memories,yet if you’ve been hanging on to them grimly for decades that will not be easy. Approach this with your eyes open:it will be hard work,and it may prove very painful for a short time. It is worth it.
- There is evidence that some hidden memories which are affecting you now may best be left alone. Dragging them to the surface and experiencing them again can make matters worse. I suspect whether or not this happens has a lot to do with the relationship you and your counsellor have with each other.
- There are examples of counsellors looking for repressed memories,and phrasing their questions so badly that false memories are created in the client. Beware of a counsellor who asks closed questions such as “did your father abuse you”when they should be asking open questions like “thinking back,do you think any part of your childhood might have been worse than it should have been?”. Police are increasingly being trained to interview witnesses using only open questions and non emotive words because otherwise they run a high risk of altering the witness’s memories just by how they phrase the question. Loftus and Palmer did a neat experiment on this in 1974. Google ‘Loftus and Palmer 1974′or check out this site which describes the research.
If you know of any other types of counselling which includes constructive reprocessing of bad memories please let me know. Thank you.
