subversive ramblings 0 » growing up

Growing Old: and the party

Nigel — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 13:52:58 +0000

We’ve been invited to a New Year’s Eve party this evening.

It doesn’t involve much effort being next door.

But you know what they say about knowing you’re middle-aged when offered the choice of two evenings out you pick the one that gets you home earliest.

Do I feel like I’ll enjoy it? No.

Will I enjoy it? Yes.

In fact when you have to push me there in a wheelchair and check my hearing aid is turned on I’ll still enjoy it.

So long as I don’t get home too late lol.

(Photo © Michael Flippo | Dreamstime.com )

Share on Facebook

Growing old: time for the givers to receive?

Nigel — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 16:10:01 +0000

We have a friend, now in her seventies, who has devoted her life to other people. Her working life was spent in Africa (mainly Kenya) with her husband and family. They built their own home, then built a hospital. He was a medic, and ably ran the hospital. She set up a small school.

When they returned to England and settled in Leeds, she continued to care for a wide range of people. She carried a thermos of soup with her when walking in town so that she could offer practical help to any homeless person she met. She ran English classes for immigrants. She has given us much help over the years.

We love her very much, and now we are more settled we want to help her. She is becoming frail, her memory isn’t what it used to be, her ability to cook for large numbers of guests has weakened. We worry for her safety as she cycles round Leeds. But it is hard for her to accept from other people the cheerful help she has spent her life giving.

Recently I mentioned this to her. I also dared to say that we found it upsetting that she sometimes refused offers of help, that she was denying us the pleasures of giving something back to her.

“It’s hard,” she said, “but I’ll try to let people help me more.”

It is hard to change the habits of a lifetime.

Perhaps what we should do is from the start teach ourselves to receive graciously as well as give.

(Photo copyright Serif Images)

Share on Facebook

Growing Old: sharing life and a mince pastry

Nigel — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 03:57:15 +0000

It’s nearly Christmas and Tesco have started offering cut-price ‘puff pastry mince-pies’. They’re beautiful, alarmingly more-ish, and taste somewhere between a croissant and a danish. Tesco bake them fresh on the premises and there are four in a pack. And there are two of us, which even I can figure is two each. Two each if you think life is about balancing the books.

I suggested cutting the last one in half so we could enjoy it together and Jenny said, ‘No, I’ve had my two.’ This kind of puzzled me. Yes, of course I knew what she meant, but I couldn’t see what it had to do with sharing a mince-pie.

Over the decades we’ve given so much to each other. Certainly we’ve received as well, but what really works in marriage, and in life, is giving and sharing. It would have given me more pleasure to share the last mince-pie with Jenny than have it all to myself. (Actually when I felt like that remaining pie later I completely forgot about Jenny and ate the lot. Guess I must be human ).

What has this got to do with having a life in old age?

Share on Facebook

Why am I growing old?

Nigel — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 10:53:00 +0000

It’s dead easy to grow old. You just have to wait.

But it’s also very difficult. Too much is changing in ways you’d rather not experience. It’s a new period of life with new and not that pleasant phases to it.

In fact although I’m only 62 I’ve been through times when I felt quite angry about the whole affair, and other times when I felt totally lost, so I thought I’d start recording how I deal with this fresh season of life.

So why am I growing old?

Because I was born, and had a life, and still have life.

And there is still much to enjoy, and much to look forward to.

I used to do an incredible amount of running, climbing, and hill-walking. Recently I’ve not been well enough to do any of these. At first it was my lower back which started to hurt whenever I ran. Then the stress of teaching coupled with lifetime chronic depression to make me too ill to be able to do much of anything. Then I got ME (chronic fatigue syndrome) after a bout of flu. Overall it wasn’t fun.

My body is getting older. I can’t run more than a few yards – can’t walk far either yet – and most of the rock climbs I’ve enjoyed would require far more strength, stamina, and flexibility than I’m ever likely to have again.

BUT…

… I am learning to live in the present, to treasure the past, and not to fear the future.

I can recall the pleasure of a particular 10 mile route I sometimes chose for Sunday afternoons in the seventies. There were open fields, villages, the aroma of a pine forest.

I can feel once more the excitement of completing a classic climb up a north-facing cliff in the Lake District. The views down Ennerdale were magnificent even though we were climbing in the shade. Every climbing trick I knew was needed somewhere on the route. I had good company (Mark Blomfield). And I can still experience the thrill of completing that last move and emerging into bright sunshine on the summit plateau of Great Gable. What a day.

And those experiences are still a part of me. They contributed to who I am now. The feelings are still available.

And the truly exciting aspect is that I don’t need to repeat them.

Yes, it would be nice to have a young body again, but there’s so much of those phases of life I wouldn’t want to have to go through again. There are many mistakes I’d rather not repeat.

There was an old guy who expressed feelings about aging really well. He’d been King for a long time, and he’d usually (though not always) been a wise King, an incredibly wise King. A few of his thoughts over the decades have been preserved. Here are snippets from his third collection:

Everything is meaningless …
Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied …
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven,
A time to be born and a time to die.

Part of life, if you’re fortunate enough to live that long, is the season of realising you are growing old and that the time to die is approaching. I’m coming to understand it is no more a season to be dreaded than any other. It is just different, and a natural part of life.

I know many people find growing old to be sometimes very tough indeed, so I’ll try to say more over the coming months that may encourage and possibly even help us.

By the way, those quotations are from Ecclesiastes chapter 1 verses 2 and 8, then chapter 3 verses 1-2.

[Legal bit: Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.]

I took the photo in Roundhay Park, Leeds, UK, in the autumn of 2009. Some of the trees are very old, and we love them. Leaves are dying, but remain beautiful. And the lady on the left is my beloved wife Jenny, who walks slowly enough that I can usually catch her up after taking a photo.

Share on Facebook

so let’s question the direction of the world

Nigel — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 09:08:21 +0000

people matter more …

Life has been unfair to us.

Adam has cerebral palsy (and is a lazy git lol)

Nige has had chronic depression for 46 years (and is far too old to do anything new )

But so what?

Everyone’s disabled, everyone has tough bits to their life.

The question is, where shall we go next?

We’re looking to start a publishing business in 2012

We want to publish stuff that is different, that is fun, that is hopeful, that traditional publishers would consider far too risky.

We want to try out new ideas, and not worry if some fail. Some will.

We want to give people opportunities, and to be there to support them and root for them.

We want everyone to be part of the team, both readers and writers.

We want to get people asking the right questions about their lives.

We want people to notice each other – not the superficial things which don’t matter like the wheelchair, the bad temper, the cheap clothes, but to really notice that we’re all people.

We want you to join with us in shouting:

PEOPLE

MATTER

MORE

…

Share on Facebook

Wrong question, wrong direction

Nigel — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 09:36:02 +0000

What did I do to deserve this?

It’s not fair!

Why was I born with so many problems?

It’s not fair!

Why wasn’t I born better looking, healthier, stronger?

It’s not fair!

Life hurts.

I’m too old/young.

I was born at the wrong time for a person like me.

I don’t know the right people.

If only I’d been dealt a better hand.

It’s just not fair!

But surely I’m asking the wrong questions.

I’m looking backwards instead of ahead.

I’m complaining about my disadvantages when actually we’re all disadvantaged, everyone’s disabled in some way. I just notice my problems more because they’re nearer.

It’s not fair for anybody!

Life is about accepting where we are as a given and moving on from there using the tools we do have – and every single person has good things and useful talents.

Real life is taking ourselves and the people round us and living the best we can for each other – not moaning there are problems, but doing something beautiful with what we have.

And we can only live life to the full as caring, forward-looking people living together.

Your life not fair?

Join the club.

My life is unfair too.

So what?

The question is, where shall we go next?

Share on Facebook

One less Spring, and better than ever

Nigel — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 10:08:33 +0000

Every season is special, but Spring has the edge. It heals the failed memories of Winter.

Over recent weeks I’ve had the camera with me on walks, and some results are fun. I love each season, but I love Spring.

Between winter and spring lies a season of confusion and hope

And then yesterday I had BBC Radio 4 on as I was preparing our meal. No idea who was showing the interviewer round his garden, but he said something that gave me pause. “I may have only ten or fifteen Springs left, and that makes me appreciate them all the more.”

Gruesome thought? Not at all. He said it with no trace of sadness, and quite right too.

If we knew we’d never die then, the way we are, we’d never quite get round to appreciating the beauty of our world.

It would be like only seeing local attractions when we’re showing visitors round.

But we know our time here is limited, and one of the joys of growing old is the realisation that each moment is to be savoured.

The good things about each season are to be enjoyed to the full, new and slightly different each year, and the aspects we find less pleasant are to be valued and respected as part of the incredible backdrop against which we live out our lives.

Here are a few more recent photos. They’re not traditional chocolate box, but each has something to say.

Sun still weak, grass still pale, but it's warm enough to sit out and enjoy the daffodils.

Birds return, the cycle of life continues

I was trying to focus on the fresh bud of our weeping willow, but this accident has its own beauty

: It’s just a willow tree I pass on my way to the shops and the sky is overcast, but there’s something about the shading fresh buds give to the scene before they catch all the light

[How about the tags I've added (visible below) ? Are they sneaky or fair? And this lot feels better written than what I posted yesterday. Hope you liked it.]

Share on Facebook

“Oh, come on! One drink won’t do you any harm.”

Nigel — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 09:24:25 +0000

Don’t pressure me to have an alcoholic drink when I refuse the first offer.

And please don’t pressure anyone else.

You see, you may have no idea why someone is saying no. Here are some possibilities:

Addiction

The person may be an addict who no longer drinks. Any alcohol will trigger the old desire as strongly as if they had never stopped, and could lead to another period of painful alcohol abuse. And maybe they’d rather not have to explain this to you. There is no such thing as an ‘ex alcoholic’ – only an alcoholic who no longer drinks alcohol.

Safety considerations

They may know they will be driving later, or operating other potentially dangerous machinery. Yes, the country probably has a set limit below which concentration of alcohol in the blood there is no penalty, but alcohol itself doesn’t wait for that level to switch on its effect. From the first sip being absorbed the alcohol is starting to affect how safely they can drive. Moreover, it can be hard to predict how rapidly the alcohol will be absorbed. I’ve heard of a teacher who was marking late into the night, and on finishing decided to have a night cap of whisky. It should have been absorbed into the blood and then removed by the liver within at the most three hours, but he went straight to sleep. In the morning he grabbed a quick coffee and some cereal, and began the drive to school. The whisky had not been absorbed overnight, but the food and drink triggered rapid absorption. He was pulled over for driving erratically, and failed the breath test.

Needing to keep a clear mind

Perhaps they have an important meeting later, particularly if it is lunchtime. A single glass of wine, or half pint of beer, is enough to dull the mind (and increase confidence). At the school where I did teaching practice there was a small bar in the corner of the staff room, and some colleagues would have a can of beer or a glass of port after lunch. They would then go back into the classroom less capable of fulfilling their paid responsibilities. A later school discussed the option of having a small bar so that guests might be better entertained, but the idea was rejected. It was not considered sensible to tempt colleagues to drink between lessons.

Religious faith

Some people drink no alcohol for religious reasons. In particular a devout Muslim will not have any alcohol. This is their choice, and it’s none of our business to harangue them about it.

Medical

Some medications increase the inebriating effect of alcohol, and this effect may be a little unpredictable. For this reason many people on such medications avoid all alcohol – but may prefer not to have to explain themselves to you. Pregnant mothers are also likely to avoid alcohol completely, but in the early months of pregnancy may prefer not to announce their condition in case something goes wrong.

And

Are there other reasons to refuse a drink? Of course. Are they our business? Probably not. And if we feel in some way threatened when someone refuses the offer of an alcoholic drink, shouldn’t that alert us that there may be something about ourselves could do with attention?

Share on Facebook

an open letter to the leader of the opposition

Nigel — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 10:28:10 +0000

In my country he’s called Ed Milliband and leads the Labour Party, but most countries allow a formal opposition the the ruling government. And where none is allowed it almost certainly exists. I’m not sending this to Ed. Some skilled assistant would no doubt intercept it, and anyway he’s not the only guy in the world doing what he does. Maybe one day you’ll lead an opposition somewhere; this is for you too.

Dear leader of the opposition, whichever country or organisation you may be in,

Okay, so you have personal ambitions, and they can affect your behaviour quite powerfully.

But lets go a little further.

• You also have a reasonably good mind. You can think. You have some control over your actions.

• And you are a member of the human race. You matter. And so does everyone else.

So ask yourself what your job is about. What does it involve other than just trying to increase your own power. Here are some suggestions:

• You want to make your country a better place.

• You want to reduce suffering.

• You want to solve problems efficiently.

• Loosely speaking, and in the best sense of the term, you want to do good.

Now for the crucial bit: if you agreed with the current ruling party’s methods you’d be a member of their party, but just pause a moment. Are they totally incompetent? Of course they’re not. They do have different priorities. They do disagree with you about what methods might be most effective. But overall their job is about exactly the same things as yours; they want to do good.

Being in opposition is highly frustrating if that’s all you are, and sadly we rarely see any evidence that you do anything but oppose.

What we see and hear is you and your team, at every opportunity, knocking the guys trying to improve the country.

Someone in the government outlines a new policy, and instantly you attack. Never mind the truth. Never mind the detail. You feel you have to be seen to be in opposition.

DOESN’T THAT MAKE YOU UNFIT TO EVER RULE?

What I long to see you doing is this:

> Search deeper for why each proposal might make sense, even if the reasoning doesn’t quite match your own philosophy of life and society – and let’s be honest, your views are just as bigotted as anyone elses.

> Never again shriek “Government U-turn”. Get yourself a life and admit that situations change, information does surface, and a Government with integrity will sometimes reverse a policy. Some promises will have to be broken once new facts are known.

> Every time the Government gets something right, whether or not they used your approved methods, you should say so. Let’s hear you complimenting and encouraging those with the almost impossible job of running the country. Let’s hear you prove you have a brain, are human, do value it when anyone however objectionable in themselves does good for other people.

> When you realise you’ve made a mistake, come clean. We all make mistakes, but we can’t learn from those we deny.

> And when the Government fouls up, fair enough, it happens, so be supportive in the way you comment. Allow them to be human. Give them credit for having good motives. Admit it when a policy failed for unexpected reasons. If it failed due to incompetence, identify with care exactly who was incompetent.

> Stop quoting statistics at me. Statistics are almost always biased, intentionally or not. Instead of quoting statistics about our education system, go on your own with no reporters into a bad school and have coffee with some ordinary teachers. Keep your mouth shut. Listen. Observe. Sit in on some lessons. Then ask open questions. Your advisers may not have a clue, but the people actually doing the job are often highly perceptive. Of course you have to strain out the junk later, allow for teachers being stressed almost out of their minds and so not always coherent or balanced in their comments, but you’re bright. You would gain from the off-the-record experience.

> Give up doing things just for effect. Don’t call for an ‘enquiry’ unless you’ve thought things through and an enquiry really is the best way forward. When asked to comment on something you know nothing about, please say you first need to get the facts, consult, and do some thinking – and let’s be honest, that will need to be a frequent response, and it will take our ignorant/misguided media reporters some time to get used to the change. But aren’t you big enough now to handle stupid criticism?

> Encourage people looking to go into politics to do something else first, preferably successfully, and never less than five years in any one position. We have too many politicians with no experience on which to base their thinking.

> Look for constructive criticism. Welcome it. Learn how to deal with it. Because without listening to it you ain’t never going to learn how to improve at what you think matters. You may get elected, but if you’re an ignorent pratt then is that really a good idea?

And if you have the courage to do any of this, who knows, other politicians might follow your lead. And that is what you’re supposed to be: a leader capable of doing a good job of leading a ruling team, and that team should include the opposition.

Share on Facebook

FIFA, World Cup 2018, and weirdly human reasoning

Nigel — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 09:37:58 +0000

The other day I caught a discussion on BBC Radio 4 about British investigations into alleged corruption at FIFA damaging England’s bid for 2018. Some of the views expressed left me at first gasping with disbelief, and then meditating on how stupid most of our thoughts are – when we don’t think clearly.

The facts seem to be:

England have been bidding to host the 2018 World Cup. FIFA make their final decision on 2 December.

The Sunday Times has been investigating allegations that two members of FIFA’s executive committee are willing to accept bribes to decide their votes. BBC Panorama plan to air a program about this on 29 November, just before the final vote.

There are major concerns that these investigations risk antagonising the FIFA executive committee, losing England their bid. A key factor in the concerns is the timing of publicity on this matter.

One of several BBC articles on the subject is here.

What is wrong with these people?

What’s wrong is they’re human, and they appear to be charging through life with blinkers on.

Now if I was a football fan no doubt I would be passionate about my country’s bid to host the World Cup. It’s a great event, very exciting, especially for the host country. But would I be so passionate I’d forget everything else?

What if there is some truth in the allegations? The World Cup will no doubt take place somewhere in 2018, and if not in England then we will recover from our disappointment. Right now to many people this matter is of world-shattering importance. But in the context of an entire life, in the context of everything happening in our world, the outcome of this bid is trivial. Does it really compare to the experiences of a friend recently in Afghanistan who watched five of his friends die? If you’re made redundant in the current cutbacks, how will England’s bid rate alongside your dramatically changed personal situation?

We have an alarming tendency to get things out of proportion, and once entering this blinkered state we fight to stay in it, we defend our tunnel vision with ever-increasing frenzy.

What of the allegations?

But what if the allegations are to any extent true?

Shouldn’t they be investigated properly as soon as possible?

Isn’t right now, just before the FIFA vote, the best time to gain publicity for a proper investigation?

And if this causes England to lose their bid this time, isn’t the sacrifice worth it in order to sort out problems at the top of the sport? Surely the more fanatical you are about football, the keener you should be to get this sorted out?

And FIFA?

The BBC article refers to a ‘backlash from FIFA members’.

If there is a backlash to quite reasonable, though possibly unfounded, allegations, what does that say about these FIFA members?

It is human to dislike criticism, but it is stupid to ignore it, and immoral to punish people because of criticism. It’s also illogical to consider punishing England Football because English journalists are doing what they’re paid to do.

Am I naive? Probably. But I believe that the higher you rise, the greater responsibility you have to be fair, to aim to be unselfish, to listen, and to take into account the whole picture.

Share on Facebook